55) Thrown Under The Wuss

I recently joined a coed soccer league and play games on Monday nights. Last Monday one of my female teammates, who I do not know, watched as I prepared myself to defend our opponent who dribbled the ball in my general direction. She said, "Don't be a pussy and go get him." Her words struck an awkward chord with me. Firstly, you do not hear girls say that word often. Secondly, she does not know me. Thirdly, I feel I am not a pussy, especially as it relates to athletics where I do not back down from much.

However, a couple of days have passed and I thought about the possibility of her having a special sense for these kinds of things. I cannot think of any guys who would consider themselves to be a wuss, but there are plenty of wusses out there. Perhaps she sees something in me that I subconsciously block from myself. I have thought about it and have produced the following: A list of how I am a giant wuss.

* I cannot open a jar of pickles to save my life
* I shriek and run away when I see a spider. Especially a big one.
* Could not stand the pain the few times I had any back hairs pulled out.
* When I walk around the attic I am creeped out and overly cautious with every step I take. Part of this is because I am afraid of stepping through the ceiling. Part of this is I am afraid of accidentally waking up a nest of sleeping possums.
* I shriek and run away when I see a snake. Especially a big one.
* I cannot stand for anyone to mess with my cuticles. Just the thought makes me cringe and extremely uncomfortable.
* Seeing a movie with an animal dying makes me cry: Artex, Marley, Hooch, Old Yeller
* Our conference rooms here at the office are so cold that I literally shiver during many of our meetings. I have not resorted to bringing in a special conference room sweater, which should allow me to retain my manhood. However, when I am shivering in there and everyone else is comfortable, I feel like a wuss.
* I shriek and run away when I see a wasp or hornet. Especially a big one.
* I kick and squirm when people touch my feet.
* I cannot handle having my fingers pulled back more than 15 degrees from my palm.
* Messing with a car battery makes me very nervous, as I think no matter how I touch it I will receive an electrical shock.
* My shoulder hurts to an almost unbearable extent 5 minutes after I begin using the weed-eater or blower.
* I cannot walk outside without shoes, and I cannot wear non-flipflops without socks.
* I have to mutilate a package of batteries using multiple sharp tools to get a freaking battery out. I just cannot seem to get the package open using my hands.
* Cannot drink coffee without almost equal proportions of cream and sugar.
* I must avert my eyes during certain types of gory scenes. Specifically when appendages are being slowly cut off, the worst being in the indy horror film Splinter. Also, I must avert my eyes during slow motion replays within NFL games that show gruesome knee injuries.
* I cannot "just deal with it" when my food has been handled by someone I know did not wash his/her hands.