4) Idiot's Luggage

"1,2,3,4,5? That's the stupidest combination I've ever heard. That's the sort of combination an idiot would have on his luggage!"

Every morning I pull into our gated parking lot and type in our code: 1,2,3,4. As the gate slowly opens I hear the words of Dark Helmet in the back of my mind. It is a great way to start my morning.

3) Memory Floyd

I want to add a feature to this catalog of worthlessness that I think will be interesting. I do not have a name for it but it is going to be a small list of memories I have from Childhood that you guys may or may not remember. It is possible I remember stuff slightly differently than it really happened, and if this is the case feel free to chime in and let me know what you remember:

* In junior high Chris, Dugat, Chris Dupree and I played tag in the hallway between classes. Anytime we saw each other we were forced to run, just in case that person was it and trying to tag you. I am pretty sure we looked stupid running from each other in the hallways and I am also sure we got a detention or two as a result (All the detentions I got in Junior High were because of Dugat by the way)

* Speaking of Detention, in our 6th grade yearbook Craig is only in 1 picture other than his mug shot. It is a pic of detention with an article about bad kids and punishments. Craig is the largest figure in the picture sitting at a table by himself in the lunchroom.

* I remember the day Craig and I learned to play quarters. Mark arrived home with a friend (I cannot remember his name but he bit a hole in a beer can) and played quarters with us until they left to go out. This was the first night of drinking games in my life. We made silly rules, like the run around the couch before drinking rule, which incidentally did not work too well. We did not like the taste of beer so we brought pieces of bread to chase the beer down with. I can't remember who, but one of us threw up after drinking a sip of beer and eating a piece of bread. I think it may have been me. Later that same night we rigged a ping pong table out of of the dining room table and we used children's books as our paddles.

2) The Leisel Laugh

I went into a business today and the woman I spoke with had a funny sounding laugh. Reminded me of this girl I went on a date with in college named Leisel. The laugh sounds oddly similar to the noise Wesley and Buttercup make when they emerge from the lightning sand in the Fire Swamp. Instead of being a long drawn out inhaled breath of air, the laugh is more choppy and rhythmic. It is not a pleasant sound.

This caused a particular problem for me and Leisel because I am so funny. With each joke I smoothly delivered she inflicted her terrible laughter on everyone in the restaurant. Finally, enough was enough.

She called me after a few days and insisted that we go out. I reluctantly agreed. On her way over Chris suggested that I tell her I cannot hang out with someone who sounds like they are gasping freakishly for air every time I say something funny (which is frequently). I decided to end it before it could get started. I sat her down on our porch amidst the broken glass and cigarette butts. She wore a nice, black dress. I told her I could not see her anymore. She asked me why..that she thought we had fun together. I looked her square in the eyes and told her I was not ready to see anyone seriously, that I was too fragile over my last break up. I could not tell her about the laugh. I was weak. She left confused and upset. I went inside, made a drink and probably watched a crappy movie with Chris.

1) The Mutant X Gene

I recently watched all of the X-Men movies and like most people enjoyed the superpower aspect of the story, even though I thought some of the mutant genes were strange (for instance Cyclops, or Gay-ser Beam as I like to call him, has a strange eye laser that shoots from his face). The movie got me thinking about mutations and I have a theory that humans today have mutant genes present in their DNA. If we were to mate with someone with similar powers, the resulting children would have a stronger form of that gene. The powers are not as interesting and far-fetched as the comic, and 99% of people's mutant gene would not warrant a superhero name or even a better life. But I believe these genes are present within each of us, and the trick is to identify it and embrace it.

For instance (and I am going to get shit for bringing this up), I have a mutant gene that I am not sure you guys are aware of. I do not wear, or need to wear deodorant. My body does not react the same to sweat under my arms as it does for other people. The bacteria that cause the BO smell for most people do not thrive in my armpits. I have not worn deodorant consistently since high school, and that was because in 4th period soccer class I had to put some on otherwise my power would be revealed and I would have been labeled a disgusting freak.

I have embraced my power, and realize that I am special. I can see how if I reproduced with the right people, and our kids reproduced with the right people, our offspring would one day (in a million years or so) might actually evolve so far as to have pleasant smelling farts. And wouldn't that be an interesting superpower...

I believe everyone has a mutant X gene. I do not want to presume to know what your specific mutant power is, though for some of you I have an idea, (Chris: an unusually large threshold for bad TV. Craig: Third or Fourth generation Snoring Monster. Tiffany: Her body can transform beer into working nutrients and lose weight at the same time).

The morale of this is to embrace your strange gene and to have offspring with someone who has a similar gene (assuming it is one you want to evolve).